Imagine for a second then I burstImagine for a second then I burst

Imagine being pregnant at age 15. What
am I going to do? How could this happen to me? All these Questions, just
flowing through your head. I had all the symptoms and my last period was late.
I didn’t get this months period. I was constantly having to pee. I googled up
symptoms, and I had matched every single one. 
The first thing I thought was to tell my older brother Jason, I waited
and waited for a time to tell him, debating whether I should tell him or not. I
saw him on the front porch I decided to tell him in that moment. I walked out
onto the porch. He looked at me then I blurted it out. “I think I might be
pregnant” I suddenly felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders,
I finally let it out. I was ready to get lectured or at least get told some
type of thing that could help me but all I got was a “I don’t know that’s on
you.” man, I felt my heart break I couldn’t believe he just said some shit like
that. I’m over here scared, and trying to ask no, beg for his help and he tells
me it’s on me? Like I don’t already know that it’s my fault. My older brother
who I’m supposed to have be there for me wasn’t there.  “I’m going to go to my girl’s right
now” He said. Then he left. And there I was on the Front porch Alone, I
felt nothing just kind of stuck I got lost in my own thoughts. I was so mad I
bursted into tears out of anger. My blood was boiling hot. My face was Bright
red. Tears streamed down my face. I just wanted advice or help from my brother
and got nothing. Great, now what I thought.


           It was a new day knew I might be
pregnant but I kind of pushed it off. I was with my friends and I just wanted
to have fun. My friends noticed that I was being Distant. Marilyn asked me what
was wrong. I had all this built up emotion. Anger, Fear, Sadness, I was
Confused, I stayed quiet for a second then I burst into tears. I told my friends
I was with , Marilyn, Andrea and Sergio, They thought I was kidding ” might be
pregnant” I only wished I was. I was drowning in tears and just thinking about
how much I messed up they started comforting me I was really glad to have them
there with me they were helping me out a lot in that moment. It’s always good
to have friends during a hard time. They asked me if I took a test yet and I
said no but I had all the symptoms I didn’t have money for a good test so they
said we should go to CVS and steal it and I was down. So we went on our way
from my house. The whole walk they made me laugh and feel better and just
forget about it. We got To CVS and Sergio slipped 2 test in his pocket, Andrea,
Marilyn and I stole some candy we then went to McDonalds so I could take the
test there then take another at home. All this pressure made me really want to
a smoke a blunt. But I didn’t.

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         Both test ended up positive I was
relieved because I wasn’t just guessing but now I had another problem to worry
about. I’m pregnant. I’m 15. What now. I messaged my boyfriend Isaiah and gave
him the news. He was shocked. He and I both tried to figure out what to do he
said no matter what he’d be by my side and help me with or through whatever. We
decided to kind of keep it to ourselves and figure out what we wanted to do.
The next day we went to a clinic by my house to figure out our options. We went
and signed in and waited in the waiting room. The room was cold it smelled like
a doctor’s office you know that smell. I felt like all eyes in there were on
me. I started to get anxiety and feel paranoid I just kept feeling like
everybody was looking at me. “Why is that young girl here”
“she’s probably a hoe” they thought. Well I thought they were
thinking that. There was a couple little kids and babies in that room I was
looking at. There’s one of those in me growing right now. Breathing the same
air I breathe. Drinking everything I drink. Eating everything I eat. My kid, my
baby. When one of the nurses called my name I’m not going to lie I stayed
seated for a bit. I was scared I didn’t want to hear my options because in that
moment I convinced myself I wanted to keep the baby. I knew I was young and it
wouldn’t be easy but I really made myself believe I was going to be able to do
it. I just wanted to give Him or Her the world. I didn’t meet him or her yet
but I already made myself fall in love with this baby. Isaiah grabbed my hand
and walked with me into the back room. Isaiah being with me gave me such a
sense of relief. I wasn’t completely alone in this. He waited in the doctor’s
room and they told me to go pee in a cup. After I did that I went back into the
room with Isaiah. After what felt like forever the doctor came back and
confirmed I was pregnant. The options she told us we had were. Abortion,
Abortion Pill. Adoption and of course keeping the baby. I knew what I wanted to
but Isaiah said he wasn’t ready to raise a kid. He asked the doctor about the
abortion pill. She said “its 2 Different pills that basically make you
have a miscarriage and that I would feel painful cramps and have heavy
bleeding. We then left and tried to figure out what we wanted to do. He thought
I shouldn’t keep the baby. I wanted to keep the baby. Its not that he didn’t
want it. He wasn’t ready. Neither was he. He was overwhelmed and quite frankly
so was I, Did I really want to have a baby right now? Nothing was a for sure
thing. I Hardly got any sleep that night I was up all night thinking, Crying,
and trying to figure out what I could to so I could have the baby.

The next day was a half day so this meant I got out
early and would see my brother in law. I debated on whether I should tell him
or not because I didn’t want him to tell my sister Becky and then have my
sister tell my mom. It all would have been too much for me. My sister is 25 I
know, why didn’t I just tell my sister or just go right to my mom. I was scared
and I was set on it being secret. I convinced myself to tell my brother in Law
Mario. He dropped off my nephew Nathaniel so he could go to work. Before he
left he went to the garage to go check on something. I followed after him. He
was in the garage and I went in “Mario can I tell you something but you
promise not to tell Becky without my permission?” I said.  “I ain’t no snitch you know that so
wassup” He said. I went quiet. I couldn’t get the words out. I froze, I
felt tears form in my eyes all I could make out was “I” until my voiced cracked
and then I stopped myself from talking. I guess since I hadn’t really said out
loud the words “I’m pregnant” saying it in that moment made it real.
You see, Mario knows me he had been with my sister since I was about six maybe.
“What’s wrong?”  i stayed
quiet. He saw the tears in my eyes and he looked into my blank stare and then
his facial expression changed “you’re pregnant.” I nodded yes. The
tears were really falling now. It was a waterfall flowing from my eyes to the
floor. He had a lot of questions. I answered them. I told him how I wanted it
secret. He tried to give me ideas. His first idea was to tell my mom or sister.
But that was a no no for me. I just told him to keep it secret till I figured
something out. He promised me and gave me a huge hug. He then went to work.
Later that night my other brother Johnny told me my Mario called him crying and
told him about me being pregnant. Mario said he was worried about me and that
he wants to help me and not just be doing this my by myself. Wow, he was crying
and thinking about me at his work? He wanted to be there for me. He was there
for me when my blood brother wasn’t. He’s more of a brother than my real
brother was to me. He said he wanted to talk to me and Johnny when he got off
work He would go to my house. And that be wanted to talk to the both of us. He
would get to my house around 12pm I was worried about what he was going to say
because I knew he wanted me to go and tell my sister. As the day went on and it
finally go to around 12pm I waited in the front of my house with Johnny. A
couple minutes passed and then Mario pulled up in his white Jeep. Johnny and I
went into the car. I felt my heart beating out of my chest. Mario told me I
should tell my sister. My answer was a No. He then said “Your sister got
pregnant at a young age with Arielis (My niece) she’s going to understand. I
don’t want you here struggling trying to figure out what to do all alone you
and your boyfriend are both too young to have a job and kid.” “No I
can’t tell her.” I said. He then told me “Jocelyn I’m sorry I know I
promised I wouldn’t tell her but I’m going to give you a choice right now”
aww man, fuck he’s going to trap me right now. “Either you can go tell
your sister tomorrow I’ll pick you up around this time to take you to my house
so you can talk to her or I’m going to tell her myself.” He said, Damn I
stayed quiet I shouldn’t have told him I thought. “I’ll be by your side
when you tell her and she won’t be yelling because the kids will be
sleeping” Mario said. “I’ll go with too and be there when you tell
her” Johnny said. I felt a little better but I stayed quiet for a bit then
“OK.” I said. Mario said Bye and that he’d see me tomorrow. Me and
Johnny got out of the car and went inside. I went to my room and I cried and cried.
I was so paranoid. Now I have to tell my sister and I know she’s going to make
me go to my mom.


The next day came and that day went by pretty fast. As
12 was rolling along I started to gather what I was going to say. How I was
going to say it before Mario picked me up. I was thinking about how this was going
to turn out when Johnny came into my room “Mario’s here” he said.
Fuck this is really happening. The whole ride to his house was silent it’s not
far from my house so I didn’t have much time to get it all together. The 3 of
us went inside. Johnny and I sat on the couch and Mario went to go get Becky. I
could hear him say “come into the living room I have someone who wants to
talk to you” stay where you are I thought to myself. As Becky came into
the living room she had a puzzled look on her face. “What’s going
on?” Becky said. It was silent for a moment. I started to tear up a bit
then I forced out the words “I’m pregnant” She instantly burst into
tears and started to walk towards the bathroom “I’m not mad at you Jocelyn
ill be back” her voiced cracked. Her and Mario were in the bathroom for
awhile then they came back out she sat back down then said “So what do you
want to do?” “I want to keep it” I said. “A baby is a big
responsibility and I am not trying to sound mean but I don’t think you can take
care of a kid “she said. “I’m going to give you tonight to think about
what you’re going to do but tomorrow you need to tell ma and pa.” She gave
me a hug and told me to really think about it. Mario dropped me and Johnny off
back home. It was easier for me to sleep that night knowing my sister knew now.
But the thought part was going to be telling my mom and dad they are those
typical old school Mexican parents so you know how that goes.

The next day my sister came to my house
she called my name to come down from my room and I was so scared. She called my
mom into the kitchen and made me tell my mom. She was disappointed she told me
she wanted me to keep the baby because she could never bring herself to kill a
living thing. I kind of felt happy she said that because I wanted the baby. My
sister was telling her about how I’m too young and I won’t be able to she told
me to leave the kitchen. I didn’t know what they were saying but I felt
relieved to be out of the room. I heard my name being called again I went
downstairs my dad was in the kitchen now. “Your daughter’s pregnant”
my mom said. My dad looked so mad. He walked out of the kitchen and we t to the
basement. I heard a loud BOOM AND CRASH. My sister, Mom, and I all stared at
each other. My dad came back up the stares he looked angry. Then he started to
tear up. “I don’t think you should have the kid” he said. So did my mom I
guess my sister convinced her and now nobody thought I could do this it made me
feel alone. Everybody was telling me not to have the kid and I ended up
listening to them I had an abortion and I’m always going to regret it because I
went against what I wanted and did was weak ass shit because I gave into them.
It was my body and my Choice. The lesson in this that you should never listen
to what everybody else says and stick with what you believe in and want to do
because in the end it isn’t going to affect anyone else besides you. I always
thought about what if I kept the baby. I was sad for awhile after the abortion
and it always stood on my mind what if. And you don’t want to life your life
thinking what if I did this what if I did that. If you want to do something you
do it and don’t let anyone tell you differently. My boyfriend has been with me
through it all. I’m much better about it now. I have friends and family too who
are there for me and always help me with anything.